The shoe’s on the other foot

I can't walk, or drive, or do much of anything, and it's driving me crazy that I've lost control of my house

One of the hardest things for me to do is to relinquish control to other people.

I recently had surgery to remove a soft tissue mass from my foot. I always thought I wanted a tattoo on my foot, but after this experience that’s a hard no.

Since the mass was removed, I can barely walk. My foot is supposed to be iced and elevated on and off in 30-minute increments. It’s not very conducive to mothering two young children, running a household and remote schooling (classroom is on our second floor). Oh, and I can’t drive right now either.

I bounced back from my C sections so quickly — discharged 24 hours after the first and not quite 48 hours after the second. I barely touched the pain medication and felt as though I actually got around quite well. I realize now that I was being powered by the need to be in the NICU.

I am definitely not as quick to recover from this. I have needed pain medication, which I hate taking. I have had to accept help from friends and family to keep the machine – aka home — running. I have also had to let my husband have the run of the place here and it is so difficult to sit back and watch.

Not that he isn’t doing a great job, it’s just that he doesn’t do it the way I do or the way I want him to do it. Funny how this is an ongoing theme in our relationship. I know part of my control issues are driven by my PTSD diagnosis. It is also one thing that can trigger my depression and anxiety.

Every experience in life lately seems to be an eye-opening one. I am not sure if it is because I live in this constant state of fight or flight, or if it is because I am in my (almost) late 30s and I don’t bounce back as quickly. Maybe this is just the way the cookie crumbles. But I continue to learn how much of a control freak I am in all facets of my life.

I can’t be alone in this control thing…am I?

Lauren Martone is a blogger for ParentingNH from southern New Hampshire. You can contact her at lmart0825@gmail.com. Lauren and her family’s story were featured in the July 2015 issue of ParentingNH and in the July 2018 issue.

Categories: Carter’s Corner